Some food for thought. And a moment of gratitude.

So I'm here at work, studying for my exam and listening to some music, dozing off since it's hard for me to focus because I have no coffee and I'm low on carbs, and I can't help but think of how I feel like I'm slowly hitting a wall. Training is getting so intense, calories are getting slashed, and I'm not sure if I can make it through 5 1/2 more weeks. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a quitter, it's just hard for me to hold on to my mental sharpness at the moment. And I still haven't choreographed my routine yet. Ugh.

In tough times like these, I'm reminded of a small conversation I had with my posing instructor, and how profoundly it hit me. Very often everyday I have my points of weakness, where I don't want to do morning cardio, I'd much rather sleep, I ache all over, I want that dessert, or that junk food, or I just try to make every excuse in the world not to go to the gym and bail out on my lifts. I think of the wisdom he passed onto me, and it pushes me through:

"To get up everyday, against every fiber in your being, to fight the temptation, to resist what is easy and pleasing at the moment, to go to that gym every single day and push yourself to the point where you can't breathe, where you're red in the face and have nothing else left in you, that's LOVE right there. To go in there and subject yourself to almost what seems like physical torment and torture, to give your sweat and all your strength, you really have to LOVE yourself, because you come out a better person after it's all done. That's true LOVE right there."

Thank you Derek. I wish you could truly understand how deeply your words inspire me everyday. And everyday I get up, out of my comfort zone and push, because when I finish my morning cardio, I can't help but wipe the sweat off my face and think how much I've learned how to love myself in such a short time. I've learned how to put myself first, and it's made me such a happy person. Happier than I've ever been in my life.

Thank you Richard, for your kindness, tenacity, and love of the sport. Thank you for showing me what I'm capable of, and showing me how strong I am, mentally and physically. Thank you for pushing me until I couldn't give, and still asking for more. I look in the mirror everyday and sometimes I just stare in shock. I look at pictures of myself from months back and sometimes I don't even recognize myself, the girl before who was just trying to find her way with no set goals. Thank you for tearing me down and building me back up again. Oftentimes I wonder where and who I'd be without you. Could I have made this blog without you? I doubt it. Thank you for giving me purpose, for giving me goals, for showing me how to tolerate pain for the reward of improvement. I've learned so much from you, and I'm excited at the thought that it's just going to get better post competition: bigger, stronger, leaner.

Derek and Richard, I'm not the most religious person, but I am truly blessed to have crossed paths with both of you. Your generosity and patience have touched me in so many ways. Every compliment I receive, every look of amazement I get from friends, everytime I'm in the weight room and I look in the mirror and I fall in love with what I see, I can't help but give thanks to both of you.

To all my friends and those who read my blog, thank you as well, thank you for taking the time to check me out. Thank you for believing I was beautiful when I didn't believe it myself. Thank you for boosting my self esteem when I was down in the dumps, and thank you for sparing a moment to peer into a small fraction of my life. This birthday has made me realize how lucky I really am, and all the amazing people I've met and the loyal ones that stuck around and made me smile. Thank you for just being there and just being you.

Unfortunately it's time for me to hit the sack, I've got the longest friday of my life tomorrow, followed by a ridiculous weekend of cardio, studying and grocery shopping (oh I always look forward to costco :] ). Please don't be shy and leave me a comment, I love reading them. Have a good night :)